During a recent conversation with a US-based peptide vendor, the discussion drifted away from testing, shipping and product quality and onto something far more familiar: customer support.
According to the vendor, many of the same questions appear day after day, not because customers are unreasonable, but because buyers and sellers often approach the same situation from completely different perspectives.
Eventually the vendor joked that after enough years in the industry, you begin mentally translating customer questions into what they really mean.
The result was this tongue-in-cheek “Vendor Translation Guide,” a humorous look at the gap between customer expectations and vendor reality.
INVENTORY & AVAILABILITY
Customer: “Do you have any in the back?’
Translation: I do not believe your inventory system.
Customer: “The site says zero. Do you have more?”
Translation: I would like reality verified manually.
Customer: “I don’t see it on the website. Do you carry it?”
Translation: I suspect your catalogue is intentionally incomplete.
Customer: “When will it be back in stock?”
Translation: I have not yet observed that it is currently in stock.
Customer: “When will it be back in stock? (sent while the item is in stock)”
Translation: The inventory currently available is not the inventory I seek.
Customer: “Do you know when you’ll get more?”
Translation: The inventory currently available is not the inventory I seek.
Customer: “Can you hold one for me?”
Translation: I would like inventory reserved based solely on my intentions.
TIMELINES & TESTING
Customer: “Any update on my order?”
Translation: I understand the timeline. I simply wish to renegotiate with time itself.
Customer: “Any update? (sent 4 days into a posted 2-8 week window)”
Translation: I have discovered the timeline is longer than I would prefer.
Customer: “I need it by Friday:”
Translation: I have discovered a deadline after placing the order.
Customer: “Can you rush my order?”
Translation: I would like priority service at standard pricing.
Customer: “When will testing be posted?”
Translation: I suspect the completed testing is being held until I ask.
Customer: “Can you tell me exactly when the COA will be available?”
Translation: I believe laboratories operate on a schedule known only to customer support.
PRODUCT & QUALITY
Customer: “My puck arrived cracked. Is it still good?”
Translation: I have mistaken packaging aesthetics for product integrity.
Customer: “Can I get a discount because the puck cracked?”
Translation: I would like compensation for a cosmetic event.
Customer: “I saw one person online say.”
Translation: I have promoted a single anecdote to a statistically significant conclusion.
Customer: “It didn’t work for me like it did for someone else online.”
Translation: I expected standardized biological outcomes across non-standardized biological systems.
PRICING & PROCESS
Customer: “Any chance of a discount?’
Translation: The posted price appears to be the beginning of a conversation.
Customer: “Can you make an exception just this once?”
Translation: I believe policies are suggestions that respond to persistence.
Customer: “I placed a large order to test the process. Actually, cancel that.”
Translation: I have used the fulfilment system as a simulation environment.
Customer: “I already checked the website”
Translation: I absolutely did not check the website
To be fair, most of these questions are perfectly reasonable from the customer’s perspective. The humour comes from repetition. What may be a customer’s first order is often the thousandth identical question a vendor has answered that month.
Whether you agree with the translations or not, the guide offers an entertaining glimpse into the other side of the inbox.
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